From Stage Longbottom to Stage Scarlet
by RavenclaWriteRules
Summary: The realm of fantasy is meeting up. One of their fans wants to become strong just like them, from stage one (Touta Matsuda) to stage nine million (Erza Scarlet after somebody squashes her strawberry shortcake). It's up to every book and anime character to teach her their ways. Even the villains are helping out! Watch and learn as they make a REAL MAN out of this wimp!
1. Fantasy, Unite!

There are many brave, interesting characters out there.

Take Harry Potter. Or maybe Rue Ryuzaki (whichever Ryuzaki comes to mind first). L, Naruto Uzumaki, Natsu Dragneel, Percy Jackson, we've all seen them and yelled "You rock!" But what about us? Some of us are not as strong and fiery as the heros we love. We've watched someone whose weakness we can relate to grow into a super epic hero without us.

That's when the society of characters came together, thinking about this.

There's good old Dumbledore. He just came back from playing his death, so there's a bit of black smudge on his crooked nose. His eyes twinkle as he nods sagely to each person that enters, his own way of saying "May the force be with you". He's eating lemon drops from a special dish. He took off his shoes, and is wearing the thickest pair of fuzzy stockings imaginable. He's in heaven. Harry Potter looks uneasily at him, adjusting his glasses and wondering why he had to be stuck with him at this crazy convention.

Gandalf shoots discreet looks every now and then at his rival. He can't quite sue him for copying his style, but he better not mess with him, or he'll whip out the Wise Wizard stuff. Because HE WILL. Bilbo passes by asking him what he would like to drink.

"Matsuda! More coffee!" L calls out, sitting with his feet on his chair's edge, while popping sugar cubes into his mouth. His toes wiggle contentedly much to the disgust of Naomi Misora and Beyond Birthday, who shudder slightly. You can see their lips forming _"Why didn't we just take a degree in medicals instead...why can't I have a normal boss like everyone else..." _The hosting staff has gotten so used to L that they even gave him a large sugar bowl with his initials engraved on it, all to himself. Light repeats his punchline, trying to advertise his bag of chips. He's rehearsing for his next scene. Aizawa magically grows back his afro. They need to redo footage where it's at its largest size. Soichiro Yagami backs away from the magical afro.

Mr. Benedict, Reynie, Kate, Constance and Sticky walk on. Number Two, Rhonda and Milligan hover nervously near Mr. Bendict. Mr. Curtain practicies his maniacal laugh and zooms around heedlessly in his wheelchair. Kate cartwheels into her seat while Constances slobbers all over it, grumbling and making rude rhymes out of her teammates' names. Reynie tries to keep her awake but flinches from her death glare.

The Warriors, the Kingdom Keepers, every single character from everywhere takes their place. You name them. They're here.

"It seems that we have a wish request," spoke the leader. The current leader is who they have all voted on, who is from the most popular book series, and who is the best at kissing up. Right now, the leader is Sirius Black, so Gandalf, Voldemort, Sauron and Dumbledore are temporarily collaborating to dethrone him. It's that bad.

"Another one? How deserving is the wisher, do we even care, and what should we do about it?" Gray Fullbuster whined. All anime females were forced to cover up, as well as he was forbidden from stripping. Eventually he was forced to wear a straitjacket to restrain him as well as keep him clothed.

Now, at least all they had to worry was about getting him some pants.

"Well, here's what it is." Sirius charmingly winked at the ladies. "The wisher wants to become strong like all of you have."

"Some of us really haven't improved," L deadpanned while coincidentally catching Matsuda's eye. Matsuda complained that he had become epic, he even shot Light Yagami! Light looked mildly alarmed at the memory, and reminded Matsuda of his presence.

"Whatever. I'm taking this because it might be a fun opportunity for all of you to become part of this. All of you who don't care, leave now." He winked charmingly again and flipped his hair. Austin Moon complained that was HIS signature move.

"Who cares," Jade West replied. "Disney Channel is getting sooo corrupted and the timeless comedy is become cheesy puns. Get out, or you will exit in a car with flashing sirens then wake up to a doctor and have stitches done without anesthesia."

Austin awkwardly started hugging Dez, then noticed what he was doing and ran out.

"Anyways, show us the client?" Wayne asked. Finn Whitman nodded besides him, trying to think of a way to get Harry Potter's autograph. Harry Potter was thinking about how to get Finn's autograph.

Happy, Dopey, Sneezy and Bashful haul up a heavy looking object covered in a tarp. Doc encourages them and cheers them on as they dramatically puff it off to reveal nothing. Dopey blushes, as he puts it back on then pulls it back off to reveal an ornate golden mirror.

"Is this-" Sirius looks dazed, trying to rearrange his hair among his sparkling reflection.

"We couldn't get you the Magic Mirror, or the Mirror of Erised...so we went with the Looking Glass instead," Doc said bashfully. His plump nose turned red and he hurried off, burying his face in Snow White's dress.

"Hmph," Snape scoffs. "_Accio Magic Mirror!_" On top of the golden mirror appears a much larger one. A face materializes in its depths.

"-Or we could do that," Sirius looks breathless. A LOADING screen appears on the mmirror, and they wait.

"I updated its technology," the Evil Queen smirks proudly, cuddling up to Jafar. "Now how is a bad boy like you still single, I wonder?" she asks. He doesn't reply at first, so she snarls and grabs at his collar.

"You're the fairest!" He proclaims loudly.

The crowd waits in suspense. Tamaki gushes over how cute and beautiful the new client must be. Everyone waits. Maybe a beautiful young girl with golden hair and a beautiful singing voice? Or a young, innocent teenage girl caught in the midst of a love triangle, hoping for guidance and self-esteem! Even Snape leaned forward, refusing to admit it, but he himself was interested in seeing the outcome.

...An ordinary looking girl showed up, picking her nose while staring at herself in the mirror. Worst moment to make first impressions ever.

"She looks like a real charmer," Snape remarked.

"Alright, this is the first wisher who caught our attention. Will somebody volenteer to-"

"No, I am not doing constance vigilance on this one," Moody shuddered.

"I'll remember to turn on the Unwanted Moments Censoring feature," Sirius promised.

"Alright! Let's do this!" Takashi Kawamura yelled.

"You gave him a racquet, didn't you," Naruto muttered.

"Well sorr-eee, I don't have a Temptation Technique," Sirius sheepishly revealed.


	2. Fantasy, Prepare!

"Alright, we're going to do this thoroughly. Should one squad of characters fail, the next takes place," Sirius looked throughout the crowds. Dumbledore was wriggling his eyes at Harry and Draco, who awkwardly jumped two feet each away from the other (They were engaged in a glaring contest).

"Well that's what you get for calling him homosexual," Hermione muttered to him, tutting.

"Alright, the first stage that we're going through is the Wimp Arc. All "wimps" step up. Mind you, we do acknowledge that you become epic later, but for now we need you to relate to our client," Sirius declared. "Who is the biggest softie in the world."

"How bad?" Neville asked, interested in somebody even weaker than he could have been in first year.

"She apologizes to random people when they ought to do the apologizing and screamed when somebody poked her," Sirius took out a long list which James Potter was pretty sure was a roll of toilet paper. He continued scrolling down for two seconds until Snape cast a Muffliato on him.

"How old?" Draco muttered. "I'm not doing romance. Too clichéd, and most of the time the fillies I'm paired up with aren't that great."

"At least you're popular with the ladies," Ron grumbled. Lavender clung onto him, and Hermione's face turned red as she looked away instinctively.

"Eh, seven, nine, ten, four," Sirius waved his left hand. "Doesn't matter. Besides, you're not part of Wimp Squad."

"Let's see..." Dumbledore muttered something to Snape. Snape and Voldemort eagerly came up with suggestions which appalled Dumbledore. "No, we don't want to kill him, but...hmm...that's something..."

"Whatchu' talkin' bout?" Sirius asked.

"Oh, awks," Voldemort mumbled.

"Chickens," Dumbledore replied sagely, as if he were telling him something wise.

"What time is it?"

"It is...eight o' clock," Dumbledore's eyes twinkled merrily.

"Do you have to do that every time I ask you-nevermind," Sirius backed away when Dumbledore withdrew the Elder Wand. "By the way try to get here more on time, we'd been waiting ten minutes for you. Ten minutes late, Dumbles! We can't afford it."

"A wizard is never late, nor is he early, he arrives precisely when he means to," Dumbledore closed his eyes in offence and waltzed off.

(**_Backstage_**)

"ACHOO!"

"Gesundheit, Gandalf!"

"Thank you, Frodo."

(**_Onstage_**)

"Ahem," Sirius cleared his throat, Dumbledore gagged and tied to a chair. "Much better. Who here remembers falling on their bottom a lot?" Neville raised his hand shyly. "Ahh, thank you. Who here was a loser?" Draco cast Levicorpus on Harry, Hermione gave herself a pep talk, Ron and Neville whimpered in unison, shifting feet. Their pants lit on fire.

"OW!"

"You don't have a choice. Who had no friends for most of their childhood?" Several people glared at Sirius, and the **Reject Sirius and Vote for Me as President** **Society** had increased in members. "Alright, who here is clumsy, awkward, acts goofy but has a dark side, and is mocked for being a nerd?" Two people's pants caught on fire; Ron raised his hand at all intervals, and Harry slumped in mortification of the revelation of such info.

Meanwhile, Team Natsu and Fairy Tail was looking for some other people to send in.

"Alright! Now remember we just barely got this place before Uzumaki and Kurosaki, so bear in mind that this place was reaaaaally hard to get! We are worth it!" Natsu cheered.

"...You stuck names in a hat, played ja-ken-pon, and did Eeny-Meeny-Miny-Mo," Gray Fullbuster deadpanned. "Could somebody help me with-"

"NO." Everybody refused to let Gray out of the straitjacket because they wanted to protect the girl's eyes. And plus, when the arms come out, sometimes the pants come off...not to mention the underwear incident at Fairy Tail where Gray almost had to borrow from Lucy, except she knocked him out before he could.

"Juvia thinks we should help him!" Juvia's eyes watered at the sight of her poor love tied up, unable to free and express himself-

"AAAAH! JUVIA 2.0 IS SCARY!" Gray yelled as Juvia ogled him openly, eyes glowing pink.

"Now Gray, there's nothing be afraid of. It's a MAN!" Elfman declared.

"JUVIA IS A WOMAN!" Juvia's eyes glowed white as she grabbed Elfman and somehow knocked him against a wall. Jet, Droy and Levy rushed to him, worried.

"I-I was beaten...I'm a shame to all men..." Elfman started growing mushrooms in the emo corner, as Mirajane and Lisanna tried to console him. Evergreen solved the problem by turning him into stone.

"We're going to do this strategically! Logically! And magically!" Natsu yelled.

"Yes! Magically!" Happy repeated. Sparkles scintillated around him.

"Don't start turning into Ichiya, you..." Erza glared at him. Happy trembled, eyes watering. "Uhh, a fish!" Erza desperately pointed.

"Group one! Scary people!" Natsu yelled. Mirajane turned into her demon alter ego, Elfman had used war paint to make a smiley face on his chest, Gray was standing ther wearing a straitjacket, Ichiya was sparkly, Nichiya had the perfume of sparkly, Happy wore a baklava and muttered "Nin-nin! I am a scary ninja!"

(**Backstage**)

"ACHOO! DATTEBAYO!"

"Bless you, Naruto-OW MY STOMACH-"

"SHANNARO, _I CAN SEE THE LIGHTS_!"

"FATHER, IS THAT YOU?"

"I'M DYING! BELIEVE IT!"

"Hn...AUGH!"

"T-TROUBLESOME!"

"IT'S A DISTASTER-UN!"

"NOOO! YOUTH!"

"TOBI GOOD BOY! NOT DESERVE THIS!"

"Yo, it seems like everyone is fainting and sneezing in unison..." Kakashi looked all around him. "Looks like I'm the only ninja alive-AAAUGH!"

(**Onstage**)

"Okay, that's just about right," Natsu laughed nervously. They replaced the Scary Unit with just Erza, who everyone was ten feet away from. She glared at their backs, which made them slightly uncomfortable. Levy started hugging Gajeel and whimpering, so Juvia tried to do the same with Gray, but unfortunately Gray couldn't hug back because of the straitjacket. He fell down leaning away from her, too, without arms.

"He should wear that more often," Siegrain dully noted. Erza shrieked seeing him, Jellal and Mystogan, blushing. Alzack and Bisca sent each other knowing looks.

"She's the devil..." Mystogan muttered, slightly intimidated still by Erza.

"Alright, Team Wimpy is up! Levy, Happy, Lucy-"

"WE ARE NOT WIMPS!" Happy and Lucy complained.

"-Carla and let's go!" Natsu puffed out his cheeks and ran. Fairy Tail chased after him angrily, complaining about their classifications.

(**Backstage**)

"It's been a while since we've seen Fairy Tail," Musica noted.

"Yeah! I wanna see Lucy again!" Elie eagerly said.

"I like that Jellal...he has some sort of charm," Sieg Hart thought aloud. Haru rolled his eyes. "We saw them last in OVA 6. Hope that gets subtitled soon. There's been various references about us, though," he smiled.

"PUUUN!" Plue agreed.

"Yeah, Erza Knightwalker uses the Ten Commandments Sword and I use the Deca-Force Sword," Haru added. "Plus, we share the powers of Ravelt, Mel Force, Blue Crimson, Silfarion, Eisenmeteor, Gravity Core, Explosion, and Rune Save."

"Not to mention, at one point Erza dresses as me, the female bug-_cat_ dresses as Plus, and Wendy dresses as Haru!" Elie smiled.

"Yeah, they're quite some nice, peaceful people," Musica noted. "You rarely hear a peep-"

"NATSSSSUUUUUUU DRAAAAAAAAAGNEEEEEEEEL!" Lucy screeched. Fairy Tail rushed by, destroying a couple walls and flattening the poor janitor, Mr. D. who finished puttimg out a fire in the fighting grounds at Camp Halfblood. "LUCY KICK!" She screeched.

"Those noisy idiots are at it again," Musica rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, we've got more than enough without them," Haru grumbled. "Plus, look at that guy. Spiky hair totally screams "I am a baka!" Oh, wait a second..."

(**Onstage**)

"Ready to enter the real world?" Natsu asked.

"Aye sir!" Happy yelled.

"Question...why are we wearing T-Shirts that say "Shield of Meat"?" Jet and Droy asked.

"Oh no! They saw through my secret ninja code! Uhh, that's in case she ends up acting like Erza..." Natsu whimpered as he felt a towering presence behind him. "Oh, and by the way I haven't fought with Gray! And I ate ALL of my broccoli last night! NATSU GOOD BOY!" Erza's shadow vanished.

"Wait...we don't serve broccoli at the guild..." Mirajane noted.

"Ooh, this is awkward..." Gray mumbled.

(**Backstage**)

"TOBI! ARE YOU OKAY!"

"TELL DEIDARA I ALWAYS ******* HIM..."

"WHAT! _SHANNARO, _NO! TMI! TMI!"

(**Onstage**)

"Alright, let's go everyone!" Harry Potter yelled, having taken responsibility. "Let's do this!" They pounced together, tied up Sirius, and threw him in a broom closet.

"Funny thing to find you here, Mr. Black."

"BLOODY *** GUYS YOU GOTTA LET ME OUTTA HERE!"

"Ahem. To get to the real world, we need to use our special jetpacks and burst through Fantasy into reality!"

"Or we could just use a Portkey," Hermione suggested.

"That's what I meant! The Portkey is a jetpack!" Harry threw a jetpack at the crowd and everyone squabbled to touch it. Eventually the jetpack built up speed, glowed blue, and flew off.

(**Backstage**)

"I wonder how that poor boy Potter is doing," Gandalf spoke. "He has a handful to mind for. So quiet, yet brave."

"Yes, he certainly amazes me. He tries not to bother us. Unlike those anime characters lot," Legolas blinked.

"Yeah, you rarely get a peep out of-" Eowyn began.

"AAAAAAAAAAH!"

"HOLD ONTO THE PORTKEY, NOT THE HAIR!"

"POTTER! MY FATHER IS GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS!"

The entire Wimp Squad zoomed by, making a massive hole in the wall.

"Sheesh, what noisy people," Pippin muttered.


	3. Fantasy, Play Ball!

Natsu and Fairy Tail appeared in the real world with a pop. They examined themselves and stared at each other. Right beside them were Harry Potter, Hermione and Ron.

"Alright, everyone remembers the keywords should we need to summon somebody to the battlefield?" Moody asked, taking over lead.

"Aye sir!" Happy yelled. Makarov stepped forth, eyes glowing.

"I call thee-from the mists of the other world-FAIRY SUMMON!" Wind blew around him and Lucy covered up her skirt. Natsu blushed and hid behind Gray, then got punched by Juvia for 'moving in on her man'. Gray freaked at the idea of marrying either of them. In the end, nothing happened.

"Actually, it's a simple 'Accio Dumbledore'," Hermione deadpanned.

"WAHOOHOOHOOO-" The heard a loud voice and saw a shape in the sky. "I BELIEEEVE I CAN FLYYYYYYYYYY-" they heard him singing and cringed. Dumbledore bumped into Hermione, Harry and Ron, knocking them over. He turned over and saw them. "Oh, this is awks," he muttered.

"Does anybody know the Banishing Charm?" Harry groaned.

"Nope, its formula isn't canon. Let's try this. BOMBARD MAXIMA!" Ron yelled.

* * *

"Sir, what's that in the sky?"

"It's a meteor, Watson."

"But..it's daytime..."

"Fine, it's a plane."

"But it's singing something...about believing...and flying..."

"Watson you should really consult your doctor about these delusions."

"I know, sir...last time I saw a skinny kid with black hair and glasses flying by while clinging to a jetpack."

"..."

* * *

_I'm not a wimp. I'm not, a wimp_. The girl gritted her teeth as she pulled back her dark hair. She stared at herself in the mirror. _LOOK AT THIS FACE. IT IS THE FACE OF AN UN-WIMP._ She stretched out her skinny arm. _LOOK AT THIS MUSCLE_, she glared at her reflection menacingly, but looked silly. _I'm such a loser_...

This girl used to be fearless. She won in every fight, and when a crush refused her, she destroyed his pride by beating him at his best sport (incidentally he was renowned in the school as their best athlete). Those were the days. Nowadays she accepted the fact she had flaws, was overly sweet and apologized endlessly. She acted more goofy and carefree, and even when she was hit for no reason she'd just laugh it off. Every time she tried to fight others she lost. Every challenge, every moment for her to shine she was in last place.

"There are other people with worse problems, though," she tried to cheer up her reflection. "I have my parents, wonderful friends, and my life is peaceful. I have nothing else to wish for." She laid back. "Except..."

Every time she looked at an awesome female character, she felt mixed feelings. For some strange reason she couldn't fully root for the character because she didn't relate to her, and ended up wanting to become more like her friend, the most similar person to the characyer-social skills and amazing strength all from the start. She groaned and laid back on her bed, starting to count her string of losses.

_Where did this all start from?_ She wondered. When did I start losing victories?

* * *

"I'M ALL FIRED UP!" Natsu yelled. "Yo, minna! Everybody alright?"

"What the-" A girl with dark hair and eyes was looking at them, spluttering.

"Heeeeyyy~! You're that weirdo who was picking their nose!" Natsu yelled. Lucy punched him. Normally another girl would either have blushed or gotten angry. But this girl-

"Are you Salamander? Can I hace your autograph?" She asked amazingly. She turned towards Mr. Weasley, who was examining the lightswitch, flicking it repeatedly.

"Wonderful thing, this muggle eclectricity! Light! No light. Light! No light. Light! No light. Light! No light. Lightnolightlightnolightlightnolightlightno-" He broke the switch. He walked away awkwardly.

"It is its fate," Dumbledore nodded at it wisely.

"How'd you get here!" Gray yelled.

"You should respect your elders more," Dumbledore chuckled. Gray scoffed, and Fawkes light his hair on fire.

"AUGH!"

"Is that-" Eclair gasped. Momon scoffed.

"Teach me your ways," Makarov gaped at Dumbledore.

"YEAH! GO PHOENIX! FIYAAAAAAAH! BURN!" Natsu rooted. They looked at the girl in front of them whose eyes rolled up and she fainted.

"Um, whoops..." Sirius said.

"WHAT ARE YOU-" Lucy exclaimed.

"Hello, charming lady," Sirius winked at her. "Is it just me, or-" Natsu and Gray whacked him simultaneously on the head with the Dragneel Fullbuster Death Chop. He passed out on the floor.

* * *

"Say, somebody just stole my move..." Death looked around suspiciously. "Has anybody done a karate chop, perchance?"

"Uhhhh..." Carter Kane whistled innocently. "Aaaaaawkward..."

"You're so doomed," Sadie muttered.

* * *

"Nice to meet you," the girl enthusiastically shook their hands. "I never thought this day would come."

"Behold, my young lady, I am the notorious ladykiller Sirius Bla-"

"Mr. Potter, can't believe I'm meeting you at last. So proud, so proud. Always wanted to shake your hand," the girl exclaimed. Oddly enough she didn't pay much attention to what James called the 'glitter intro'. Roses wilted. Glitter turned into dark, gloominess. Sirius slumped.

"Well, we're here to help you, from RF," Harry Potter and Ntasu declared.

"RF? Is that-"

"Realm of Fantasy," Harry nodded. "You requested?"

"Help to become stronger."

"That's easy! What's your magic power?" Natsu asked.

"Well, you see-"

"Is it the ability to make word solid, like Levy? Can you summon help using keys, like Lucy-chan? Or transform like Mira-nee? Can you control the elements, like I, the grand Salamander of Awesomeness?" Natsu enthusiastically waved about.

"Do you have the power of beauty, like me? Or can you create a hair that withstands all attempts to flatten it? Can you set a boa constrictor free? Expel a thousand Dementors with two words and a wand? Can you become half-human, half-hologram just by taking a nap?" James Potter asked. There was a suspenseful pause.

"I...I can draw pictures of cats and dogs..." The girl whimpered.

"..."

"Well, I have played a bit at soccer-er, I mean, I CAN KICK BUTT IN SOCCER!" The girl tried to sound confident but just ended up sounding like Tamaki Suoh when he has a new plot. The fantasy characters rolled their eyes.

"We've got some work to do," James reported to base. "But I think with patience and persevering that we will eventually come to accomplishing this goal. Let us not give up!"

"Just give up already," Gray deadpanned into the inter-dimensional walkie-talkie.

"..." On the other end, the current leader of fantasy due to his oneshot KO Death Chop, Death was not pleased. He reached his hand through the phone and conked Gray on the head like a boss Grim Reaper.

"CARTER! SPEAK TO ME!" Sadie was screeching.

"Alright, soccer it is!" James declared. He randomly pulled out a hockey stick and tennis racquet from somewhere you don't want to know, put on a bike helmet and took out a volleyball. "WOO! Let's go score a love!"

"He doesn't know that 'love' in tennis means a zero..." Lucy mumbled.

"It does?" Natsu asked curiously.

* * *

The girl grimaced while practicing dribbling the ball. Levy had looked up all of the rules in soccer and Gajeel kept interrupting her by loudly protestong that this was for idiots in spiky hair. Natsu, Gray, Harry, James, and a bunch of other magic users immediately smacked him on the head. In the end, Levy pointed out that Gajeel had the spikiest hair out of all of them, causing him to finally decide to participate.

"I got everybody some shin guards!" Lucy yelled.

"ALRIGHT!" Erza wore a dressed in a special outfit for soccer, which was the most exposing and bound-the-conveniently-fly-off spoof of a jersey that ever existed. She also had the most inconveniently short shorts, with her long red hair in a pony tail. Jellal's face was red as he turned away. Flames emanating from her, with red eyes that indicated she would mercilessly murder anyone who dared steal the ball from her.

"I-I haven't seen anything like that since the Great Beach Volleyball Match of Misaki Ayuzawa," Neville mumbled.

"Alright! Let's do this!" Natsu had tied his muffler as a headband and was wearing the same old outfit, even the sandals. Lucy told him it was highly inconvenient to play soccer like that. "You're one to talk," he said. Lucy pulled a Lucy Kick on him, pinned him to the ground and mashed his face with _her_ shoes. High heeled boots.

Instead of saying "Here I come!" Or "SPECIALTY DRAGON SOCCER KICK", the girl awkwardly dribbled a ball towards the middle. Everyone kept rushing towards her and trying to get the ball with their hands, getting called out by Cana, who just called out someone every three seconds. Elfman got sent out for "Standing in the open air".

"Sooo bothersome," Hermione muttered. "Here, THIS is how you do it," she and Lily were on either side of Cana, instructing her.

"Not fair!" Natsu yelled. Erza was charging at him for stealing the ball (magic was forbidden on the grounds, thankfully, but who knows how long they'll listen). Demon horns sprouted from her head, flames grew from her feet, and fangs jutted out.

"AAAAAAAH!" Natsu ran towards the goalkeeper, Moody, who gave him the evil eye.

Natsu let the ball be intercepted by Peter Pettigrew without any problems. He tried to get called off by doing what would have caught the eye of all males had, say, a female been doing it, but all three referees found extremely distasteful and disturbing. He got yellow card for 'hip seizures'. Her just sat on the edge of the field, envisioning the scary faces of Moody and Erza, sucking his thumb while rocking back in forth in a fetal position.

The girl took the ball from Elfman, and ran for it. She made it past Erza, miraculously, went around Lucy, and used a technique she stole from an old rival on Malfoy. She seemingly abandoned the ball by kicking it off in a direction unaccesible to both her and her opponent, momentarily confusing the opponent then running off to fetch it and dribble happily. She hesitated, though, just before the goal, and let Lisanna steal it.

"What's wrong?" Hermione asked.

"I...seem to have lot my confidence," the girl mumbled. "I can't aim or shoot anymore...I just feel shaky..."

"It doesn't matter!" Hermione smiled. "Try better next time! Even if it misses, it doesn't matter!" She added encouragingly. "He won't notice if it doesn't count, anyways..."

"WOOHOO! GOOD JOB! TOUCHDOWN!" James jumped onto the field. He did a victory dance not different from what Natsu did, waving around two pompoms. "YOU GO GIRL!"

"Definitely the most creepy and disturbing thing I've ever seen," the girl shuddered. "And I've woken up to find a rampaging cat underneath my bed."

"That's not so scary-"

"WE DON'T HAVE A CAT."


	4. Fantasy, Spar!

The girl sighed as she watched Harry Potter arguing with Natsu Dragneel.

"What she needs is Felix Felicis!" Ron yelled.

"No! She needs to become a REAL MAN!" Elfman roared. Ron whimpered and hid behind Hermione, who muttered something else about real men.

"SHE NEEDS TO TASTE THE FIRE!" Natsu yelled. Ron scoffed, and he set him on fire.

"AAAAUGH! Fairies!" Ron cursed.

"Here," Hermione sat by the girl and handed her a glass of some liquid. It was purplish and frothy, with something that looked like jewels and stars bubbling up inside it, twinkling. It occasionally changed colors, and it fizzed softly. It also smelt wonderfully nice, sugary and sweet, as greenish foam began to change into pink mousse.

"What's this?" The girl asked.

"Buvet de Show," Hermione replied. "It's a special potion which creates a fancy drink to appeal to the eye and would often be sold to foolish Muggles as a quack remedy to raise the dead. It's been made to defy physics and do all sorts of strange things. But nowadays the wizards call it Buvet de Troll, since it messes with scientists minds once they are offered it by a mischievous wizard."

"It does look nice," the girl spoke quietly. "Can I try some?"

"If you're brave enough to want to," Hermione smiled. "I don't think it's just for show. Try some, go on."

In a trance, the girl slowly sipped at the bluish-purple beverage before it turned milky white. She coughed and spit it out, choking and gasping.

"It doesn't taste good anymore once you know its secret," Hermione scratched her head nervously.

"Heyyyy, what are you doing?" A voice asked. Standing in front of the two was Erza.

"Uhhh, hi," the girl spoke.

"So, you wanna try some swordfighting?"

"Why not!" The girl agreed. "I'll take you on!"

Erza pulled out a scary looking, cartoonish large axe and a set of daunting claymores.

"Er...I think I'll just sit down and drink," the girl spoke nervously.

"Nope!" Erza replied. "You are going to spar with me! That drink will be your punishment if you fail!" With that she swung the axe. Hermione and the girl barely jumped away as she chopped it in half.

"AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" The girl screamed as she ran across the shield, chased by an Erza with glowing eyes.

"Face her and fight!" Hermione yelled.

"SPEAK FOR YOURSELF! YOU HAVE MAGIC!" The girl yelled.

"FIGHT LIKE A MAN!" Elfman roared.

"I AM A GIRL!"

"FIGHT HER ALREADY!" "RESIST!" "DON'T BE A SISSY!" "ANYTHING WORKS AS LONG AS IT'S NOT US!"

She sighed, and searched for a weapon. She had an idea and grabbed James Potter.

"HEY!" James yelled. "I'M NOT INDESTRUCTIBLE!"

"For Sparta!" The girl proclaimed, and charged towards Erza, holding James like a spear. He collided with Erza's stomach and she pushed forward. The girl struggled and was about to lose due to lack of muscle.

"Hold on girl!" Mirajane called.

"Keep struggling! Push! You got this!" Mrs. Figgs cheered.

The girl kept pushing and kicked, barely dodging blows from Erza's axe. She screamed and aimed a punch, but was met with armored blocks.

"SALAMANDER'S IRON FIST!" She screamed, aiming for between the eyes, which is every creature's weakness. _She's the one coming at me with full armor and scary weapons_, she grumbled. She grabbed ahold of James' legs and swung him in a circle. While Erza dodged him, she kicked at her feet. Erza nearly fell over, but she kicked back with ten times as much of force.

"Forget this!" The girl groaned.

"That's a copyrighted move!" Natsu yelled.

"Hey Erza! Jellal is over there holding a strawberry shortcake!" The girl screamed.

"GIMME!" Erza charged at Jellal, who screamed.

She attacked him and swung the axe at him, as he whimpered and fended her off with celestial magic. The girl took the chance to apologize to James.

"Don't apologize, you softie!" He roared. "But you owe me on Usage As Human weapon," he grinned. The girl sighed and nodded.

"Can I use your wand?"

"LIKE THAT'S HAPPENING."

"Oh, okay, see you."

"Oh no you don't! You are going to pay!" James laughed evilly and coughed.

"That's copyrighted!" Voldemort complained. "Avada Kedavra is, too! Don't you let me catch you uttering those! Oh, and so is the humanoid serpentine look, and the red eyes, and the-"

"Yeah yeah yeah," Dumbledore rolled his eyes. "Though it is the time to make claims for your character before Sauron decides to update his look."

"Because you aren't a total ripoff of Gandalf, eh?" Voldemort snickered.

"Back in my days, it was an honor to be copied," Dumbledore huffed.

"Which were?"

"..."

"If I'm fifty and you were a young man when you visited me..."

"I AM IN MY EARLY FOURTIES. QUIET."

* * *

Ginny and Lucy happily sat together, playing with Plue.

"MOMMYYYYYY!" A girl ran past them. Jellal was tagging behind her.

"ERZAAAA STOP DOING THIS!" He pleaded.

"Should we help them?"

James Potter ran around, shooting suspicious green jets of light and other random curses.

"I'll teach you!" He howled. "Nobody uses James Potter as a lance for jousting!"

"Poor soul never had a chance," Ginny sighed. She stood up and cast a Bat-Bogey Hex at James. "Dad! Don't hurt the girl!"

"I must avenge my pride as a Potter!" James howled. "Assist me, Ginny love!"

Lily yelled at him and cast a Jelly-Legs Jinx. Mirajane screamed at Erza and tagged after her transformed into Satan Soul and warning her not to kill the girl. Harry Potter hid his face and denied any relation to James.

"Bit of a barmy, eh?" Fred and George asked.

"This will not go well," Lucy muttered, doing a sweat drop. "I'll go call Death and give him a blow-by-blow description of what happens."

* * *

"What do you MEAN you killed her?" Death gaped.


	5. Creepy Clowns and Sparkles

"I really hate to say this but you're fired," Death mumbled into a telephone.

"You tell them!" Death the Kid agreed with his father.

"WHAT!" Fairy Tail's Gray Fullbuster yelled into a telephone. "WHY?"

"Uh, number one...you killed the client three times...number two, you destroyed the client's home eight times...number three, there have been reported mass destruction of nearby sites through fire, ice, and the like...and we just got a call from Heartfilia that Scarlet _impaled_ somebody," Death deadpanned.

"..." Gray didn't have anything to say.

"Somebody has to tell the wizards that Muggles notice them more than they think," Death groaned. "You have no idea how much Cornelius Fudge just forced me to sit through. Thinks he's going to be Fantasy's next leader. Anyways, you're going to be assigned to a new client."

"I object!" Natsu's voice came on.

"Really now? What do you have to defend yourself?"

"Eh? This isn't Gray and Juvia's wedding...JUVIAAAAAAA!"

Death's eyebrow twitched.

"YOU'RE FIRED."

"WHAT! BLASPHEMY! WHAT IS THIS!" Natsu demanded. "I WANT MY ANTHONY."

"...Attorney," Gray corrected.

"ANTHONY. ACNE. SAME THING."

Death and Gray popped a vein at the same instant.

* * *

"Okay," the new leader of Fantasy, Finn Whitman read out from a manuscript. "We have a new manga/book series team coming in. Dumbledore and Voldemort filed a request to withdraw, and Ron Weasley thinks nobody knows he forged his dad's signature. Not to mention Gray sent us fifty calls from what he thinks are clever names to make u. Believe several people are calling in, but his inability to mimic different voices and limited imagination causd us to discover this."

"What's the new team?" Five Slice of Life mangas hopefully clustered around the podium.

"Mysterious Benedict Society and Arakawa Under the Bridge," Finn read stiffly.

"...Who are Arakawa Under the Bridge?"

The telephone rang. Finn ran to answer it, and pressed speaker since he was tired of lifting it to his ear after Death drilling him on receiving calls and dealing with crazy anime baka main characters.

"I OBJECT!" Natsu yelled.

* * *

"Next drill for strenght: the Dragneel Elfman Training Method!" Happy proclaimed.

"What do I do?" The girl asked.

"First, you lift this up," Natsu walked over to a truck in the parking lot and turned it over. "And then, you tackle this," Elfman changed into his giant form, walked up and reached for a parking lot of mobile homes. Just then the cellphone rang.

"What a bother," Cana muttered. She pulled it out and pressed speaker.

"Objection! Training denied!" Finn yelled.

"You can't deny us!" Natsu and Elfman yelled back. "We are the next emperors of LLAMALAND! You shall not-oh, wrong speech," they scratched their heads.

People gave them some odd looks.

"I...I can't do that," the girl turned pale staring at the upside down truck and fainted.

"POTTER!" Snape yelled as he ran and caught the girl with a cushion charm.

"What do you want from me."

"You were present-So it must be your fault."

"WHAT!"

"Yeah, Potter! Why would you do something reckless like that?" Natsu laughed boisterously. "Only an idiot would do something like that!"

(Ten Minutes Later)

"And how does the defendant plea?" Cornelius Fudge tiredly read from a paper.

"Not guilty," Harry Potter replied tensely. "He deserved what got to him. He provoked me, so I killed him. Not easily, of course, but I've played with the Hungarian Horntail...and it wasn't hard to strap him to a Firebolt and helpfully point him in a direction. He killed himself, really. In fact, he should be the one"

"Order in the court-the _victim_ is not on trial," Snape stated sarcastically, pounding a gavel.

(After the Trial)

"The next time you get stuck in the underworld, you're staying there," Rem gave Natsu an evil eye. She waved a Death Note at him promisingly.

"Y-yes..." Natsu was pale and shriveling.

"Heheh don't worry," Ryuk's shinigami eyes bulged. "Next time we see you, you're going straight to where you're going."

"I can't even understand tant and I don't like the sound of it," Natsu shivered.

"Wait until we show you Light-kun," Ryuk added, laughing sadistically. "Bet you can't wait to see the Light, eh?"

"Lucyyyyyyy get me out of here!" Natsu whined.

"Don't you worry, Light's not in a hurry to see you," Ryuk smirked. "But just so you know, he's always waiting~Kyahahaha!" Ryuk threw back his head and laughed, sending shivers down Natsu's spine.

"I w-won't..." Natsu trembled. Rem rolled her eyes and he vanished with a puff from the two shinigamis. Ryuk placed his arms behind his head.

"What a poor loser, he doesn't even know what a shinigami is."

* * *

"All I remember is..." Natsu heaved and shivered. "Scary clowns eating apples...and telling me they were going to bring out the Light if I wasn't careful..." Natsu fell.

"You're lucky that we bothered to ask Taro Kagami for the Life Eraser," Ginny grumbled.

"I'd like to thank him," Natsu inhaled deeply. "That was a real creepo clown."

"Accio Taro Kagami!" Wendy and Luna both declared. Two shapes materialized.

"AAAHHH WHAT THE WHY ARE YOU WITH HIM!" Natsu screamed as he saw Ryuk floating eerily besides Taro, who stared up at Ryuk with the innocence of a typical middle schooler.

"Recalculating..." McGonagall muttered.

* * *

"So...what's the plan today?" The girl asked.

"If we can't do this we're fired," Lisanna proclaimed. "We need you to outrace Natsu."

"NO."

"Survive one of our weaker moves."

"LIKE HECK I CAN."

"Run around holding a stick which we picked up and added live worms to."

"NO."

"Walk a Blast-Ended Skrewt?" Luna suggested. "Why don't you witness a Crumple-Horned Snorkack mating?"

"..." Everyone fell silent.

"If you can sit for five minutes comfortably in a room with Aragog, I bow down to you," Ron shrugged.

"Deal."

* * *

"LIKE OH MY GOODNESS. THERE WERE CREEPY RUKS AND REMS EVERYWHERE. RYUK LAUGHING HERE. RYUK LAUGHING THERE. RYUK LAUGHING EVERYWHERE." The girl hyperventilated, brought back to life.

"Gog, yer not supposed ter poison her!" Hagrid complained.

"AHHH IT'S THE LIGHT!" The girl hollered as she saw Cedric Diggory walk in.

"No, it's sparkles!" He yelled defensively. "Oh wait...uh-oh..."

"WE DO NOT. MENTION. SPARKLES." Sanguini hissed.

"So, you just endured Cedric Diggory walking by WITHOUT screaming! That's a rarity for teenage girls, you know," Luna spoke excitedly.

"My life is complete," the girl mumbled before fainting back onto her bed.


End file.
